Any one who knows me personally knows that my romantic partner inspired my work with transgender people, especially adolescents, because of the experience he has dealt with. My love for him inspires me to choose love towards all transgender people because unfortunately, the world contains more hate than love for them. This attitude inspired a colleague of mine, Dr. Tammy Nelson (www.drtammynelson.com) who is a prominent Imago couples therapist, and she featured an interview with me in an article on The Huffington Post: 'I Am Cait': Loving Someone Who Is Transgender.  The following quotes are taken from her article.


Anna said that living in the South, especially, it is difficult to find open-minded professionals who are open-minded and competent. She said the most difficult part is watching her partner go through the "...the intrinsic bias of a medical field, government, and social climate that doesn't understand or accept transgenderism."

"As a counselor, I've seen clients who have lost everything -- job, home, parents, spouse, children, friends -- who had seemingly successful lives and lost it all in hopes of being able to one day live their truth, to be accepted by society for who they are mentally, emotionally, spiritually."

Finally, Anna had this to say when I asked her what she wanted people to know about being a partner to a transgender person.

"I want people to know that being transgender is absolutely never a choice. The pain someone must feel trying to wear a persona that isn't authentic to their soul is more painful than all the hate, discrimination and rejection in the world because they face losing everything and everyone in order to live their truth. The suicide rate among transgender people is at least 40 percent. One in 12 transgender people will be murdered. One in 8 transgender women of color will be murdered. 80 percent of trans students feel unsafe at school because of their gender expression." (source: www.transstudent.org/transvisibility)

For anyone struggling with these issues, this advice is for people who may be going through what Cait or Anna or her partner are facing every day. If you know or love someone who is trans, please pass this on.

"Find a community of other transgender and gender non-conforming people who can share the burden and provide a safe, understanding space to express the anguish, anger, despair. Hold those who accept you fully and unconditionally in your true identity close as you break ties with those who refuse to love you as the person you truly are."

"Communicate openly and have patience for those who truly wish to support and honor you in your journey. For partners of transgender people beginning or continuing transition, keep your mind open and your heart filled with love. Physical compatibilities are pretty easy to contend with as long as love and respect continues."

Read the full article by Dr. Tammy Nelson on The Huffington Post

The first part of my motto in my life and my work is “Live Authentically” but what does that really mean? Let’s break it down… 

Live: Every day we breath, feel, think, travel, and act upon the world around us. In every moment of every day, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, we encounter choices. We have the choice to act in a million different ways within our physical capabilities. The choices that we make are how we live our lives. 

Authentically: Each person is unique thanks to complicated genomes and a lifetime of experiences. Even if scientists managed to create a perfect clone, no one else could possibly be a perfect copy because the clone wouldn’t carry the same memories in their neurons. As we live our lives, we develop a unique set of preferences, beliefs, and truths about ourselves. Authenticity is recognizing, embracing, and celebrating the things that make us unique. 

To Live Authentically is to accept that your thoughts, beliefs, memories, and emotions are what makes up who you are. To Live Authentically is to make choices in each moment that resonate with you and act in accordance to what you want your life to be. 

Not what your family and friends want your life to be. Not what your local government wants your life to be. Not what your school teachers wanted your life to be. Not what society tells you your life should be. To Live Authentically is to Live the Life You want. 

When most people sit down in my office for the first time, they say they want to change or get rid of something painful. With Acceptance and Commitment therapy, I encourage my clients to reframe their goal into something like this: What life do you want to live? 

Pain and discomfort is inevitable. We don’t yet have the technology to wipe our memories clean like a formatted hard drive, so we carry our experiences with us. The question is, do you let the pain control your life? 

As much as my clients want to get rid of their pain, they often describe themselves and their present experiences through the lens of their pain. When faced with a choice in any given moment, they hold their pain up in front of them and make a decision based on how much it will add to or take away their pain. Acceptance is the act of allowing our pain to rest in the palm of our hand while Commitment is the act of making choices according to the life we want live.

If you’re ready to release your grip on pain and Live Authentically, schedule an appointment.

The most important relationship we all have is with ourselves. The center of your social environment, the common element in all of your relationships, is you. You have likely heard the common advice, "If you don't love yourself, then how can anyone else love you?" I don't believe this is 100% true, but I do believe that in order to truly live a vibrant life with healthy relationships, we need strong self-esteem and sense of self-worth. But how does someone trapped in a world of depression, anxiety, shame, or anger build self-esteem? 

In my blog about Love Languages I discussed how every person speaks and perceives love through specific methods, which sometimes differs from our partners. Our Love Language can also impact our self-esteem and our sense of self-worth. An example: If my primary Love Language is Words of Affirmation but my mind constantly berates me and insults me like a schoolyard bully, then my self-esteem is going to wither away. Alternatively, if I make a point of congratulating myself on my accomplishments and identifying aspects of my character that I appreciate, I will feel more loved and my self-esteem will improve.

Try this: Take the Love Language assessment and consider how you currently treat yourself in your love language. Write down a list of actions you can do that use your love language to show yourself a little more love and compassion. Each day, do one of the items from the list. At the end of a week, reflect on all the love you have expressed for yourself and consider this question: do you feel loved?

When Can Gossip Be Good? How Can Gossip Help?!

From Reid Mihalko and Cathy Vartuli, two of my favorite sex geeks (sex coaches) on the internet. I've followed Reid's work ever since finding Cuddle Parties in my early 20s. My favorite part of Reid's work is his straight forward and innovative ideas around Relationships and Communication. This idea of positive gossiping is one of my favorites. Our words are powerful and can either tear us down or build us up. I prefer to build each other up - directly and indirectly.

I used this technique with my patients during my internship and the youth in the leadership program I used to volunteer with. They had a bad habit of gossiping negatively about each other, and they all had poor self-esteem. So I decided to turn both habits around with positive, uplifting gossip! I received a lot of wonderful feedback from the patients at my internship site.

I add one step to the exercise though. After writing down all the wonderful things people said about “the chosen one”, they had to stand up and say, “I am…” each thing on the list. It’s important for them to know deep in their soul that these wonderful things other people are saying about them are true.

I wish I could say this is my innovation, but I stole it from Len Daley, Cuddle Party Facilitator and trainer. When he facilitated this activity during the group facilitation training I attended many years ago… I was the first to read my list and I wept because I didn’t believe any of those wonderful things. This exercise changed my life and I’ve witnessed it changing the minds and lives of many others.