For all the transgender and gender non-conforming youth and their families...

I will be participating and presenting at the Transgender Heath and Education Alliance's Family Symposium in May. Registration is only $30 for adults, $5 for children - a real steal for a day and a half of activities and education for trans youth and their families. I'm honored to be invited to connect with this population and discuss my passions: non-binary genders and sexuality. Here's what I'll be doing:

Non-Binary: Fact or Fallacy?
Increasingly more people, especially youth, are coming out and identifying as non-binary genders. I will discuss what the difference between binary and non-binary is and whether it's real or fiction. Most importantly, I will show parents, loved ones, friends, and peers how you can help non-binary people feel more accepted and safe in a binary world. 


Gender Identity and Sexuality
I will provide an in-depth presentation of the development of sexuality, it's relation to gender identity, and advice for transgender people desiring a healthy, vibrant sex life of any sexual orientation.


Trans Couples Panel
I will moderate while a diverse group of couples discuss how their experience being transgender (or loving someone who is transgender) has impacted their relationships and their lives. If you're interested in being on the panel - contact me!


Beyond The Love Glove: Safer Sex Practices for All Genders
Safer sex goes way beyond pregnancy and condoms. Learn all the in’s, out’s and why’s of safer sex for all genders and orientations.

Please put this event on your calendar and Register Now!

Last week I had the honor of presenting at GEMS, a national conference for educational consultants, mental health residential programs and mental health professionals, like myself, about the care and treatment of transgender children and adolescents. This blog is a collection of my thoughts, impressions, lessons learned from the experience and a list of resources I gained from the experience that I want to share with you. 

The opening keynote was Ryan Sallans, author of Second Son and consultant/educator about transgender issues. His opening keynote shared a typical narrative for a binary Transgender person aged 30+. I’m glad they opened the event with a personal story, including the pain, oppression, rejection that many transgender people face in the world, in their families.

AnnaLisa Derenthal, a colleague who works with me at Wellspring Counselor Center, and I prepared a presentation on the possible connection between neurodiversity, trauma, and gender diversity. Apparently it was one of the more highly anticipated presentations of the symposium. Approximately 100 people attended our presentation, eager to hear more about the possible connection between conditions like ADHD, Autism, PTSD, and Gender Dysphoria. We introduced the concept of Neurodiversity and discussed how the movement encourages acceptance of people’s strengths and deficits. Then we dug into the brain structures affected by conditions such as traumatic experience, ADHD, Autism, Asperger’s and then we compared those to brain dimorphism studies indicating differences in transgender people’s brains. 

The most interesting part of our presentation was sharing the statistics from our survey of our local transgender community. In 101 respondents, we found that 61% have experienced trauma, 29% have been diagnosed with ADHD, and 10% have been diagnosed with an Autism spectrum disorder. The most interesting statistic we found is 25% of youth (ages 9-25) have been diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder, and 22% of youth have been diagnosed with Aspergers in particular. These numbers appear to support the findings of a study published December 2015 where researchers found 23% of the youth presenting at their gender clinic in Boston had indicators of Aspergers.

The message contained within our presentation was perhaps instead of pathologizing people with neurologically different bodies, we could accept them and their differences. We should embrace their strengths and welcome them to contribute in meaningful ways to our society. Perhaps, our culture is pathologically damaged, rather than them.

The energy in the room nearing the end of our presentation was really awkward. There were very few questions, and people seemed either dazed and confused or sleepy. I wasn’t sure if our message came through clearly or if the presentation was coherent (I was very nervous and kept tripping over my words). My supervisor was walking through the room afterwards and happened to overhear some discussions amongst audience afterwards. He found that many of the clinicians have been working from the traditional medical model, resistant to the idea of embracing the differences in people with ADHD and Autism. They came to this event seeking treatment models, a fix for their patients with ADHD, Autism, and Gender Dysphoria. That we did not provide. We challenged some fellow clinicians biases that day, and possibly changed the way a few of them approach their work with transgender and neuro-atypical people. 

Just before our presentation, Dr. Ehrensaft, Director of Mental Health and founding member of the Child and Adolescent Gender Center in San Francisco covered the affirmative model of understanding and treatment that her team uses with adolescents in their clinic. She introduced the concept of gender web as an alternative to the gender spectrum. The gender web is based on three components of gender: biological, psychological, and cultural. It also encompasses the fact that gender can shift, and be reformed over a life time. Dr. Ehrenhaft’s approach beautifully embraces gender diversity, encourages children to explore their gender to it’s fullest extent. Her approach really resonated for me and I was very pleased that her keynote presentation was scheduled immediately before ours so I could connect her acceptance approach to ours. Dr. Ehrenhaft’s gender web concept is explained in full detail in her book, Gender Born, Gender Made and The Gender Creative Child, currently available for pre-order. 

Friday morning Dr. Rosenthal, Medical Director and founding member of the Child and Adolescent Gender Center in San Francisco, closed the conference with a powerful medical examination of gender in biology. He referred back multiple times to information I had highlighted in our presentation the day before, speaking to me directly in the audience. He also prepared the audience for my colleagues Tom and Melissa’s discussion about gender diversity in nature. It was very exciting and validating to be both referenced and respected by a leading physician who has been supporting transgender youth for many more years than myself.

The final breakout sessions of the conference included opportunities to process what everyone had learned over those three days. This was Tom and Melissa's opportunity to shine with their down to earth discussion of gender diversity in nature. They really drove home the idea that our cultural understanding of gender has been physically and mentally damaging to a lot of people over the past couple centuries. 

The biggest lesson I brought home from GEMS is that it’s time for change. More children are discovering that their gender identity and expression doesn’t fit neatly within the binary model traditionally enforced in our culture. The experience of being perceived as “broken” just for being different than the “norm” creates crippling mental and physical pain for many children. The mental health system is woefully behind in their understanding and acceptance of gender issues. Far too many mental health clinicians, especially in-patient programs, are not prepared to provide a healthy environment for transgender and gender diverse kids to heal and thrive. 

I’m proud to be a mental health provider who provides affirmative care for transgender youth, and educating other providers on the importance of acceptance and understanding. 

Every session of the symposium was video taped. When the recordings are available, I’ll post links here. 

I have a busy year planned and I thought it might be helpful for my clients and potential clients to know what events I'll attending/hosting in case they want to see me outside the office.

January 27-29, 2016 - Ashville, North Carolina
Gender Education DeMystification Symposium, hosted by Trails Carolina
Presenting What's the Connection between Neurodiversity/Trauma and Gender Diversity?
Presented the Genderbread Person concept of gender identity, expression and sexual orientation during colleague's presentation on the myth of the gender binary

February 4-7, 2016 - Atlanta, Georgia
InfinityCon
Presenting Beyond the Love Glove: Safer Sex Practices for All Genders
Presenting Doin' It Solo: Solo Polyamory in a Couplecentric World
Moderating LGBTQAI and Poly panel
More information available here

March 12, 2016 - Atlanta, Georgia
Alternative Relationship Education Workshop Event, hosted by the Relationship Equality Foundation
A one-day workshop designed to educate therapists, counselors, and others who seek to learn about diverse relationship structures and techniques to serve clients with varied lovestyles.
Presenting Check Your Biases, ethics and practical applications in working with clients in alternative relationship styles
More information available here

March 18-20, 2016 - Atlanta, Georgia
Leather Leadership Conference
Attending to gain more knowledge about providing services and education for local BDSM, Poly and Transgender communities.
More information available here

March 26, 2016 - Atlanta, Georgia
Interpersonal Communication, hosted by Atlanta Poly Inc
Co-teaching workshop on interpersonal communication skills for local polyamory community
More information available here

May 5-8, 2016 - Atlanta, Georgia
Frolicon
Presenting Trans Genital Torture
Presenting/Moderating Queer and Poly panel
More information available here

May 28-29, 2016 - Atlanta, Georgia
Family Symposium, hosted by Transgender Health Education Alliance
Presenting Sexuality and Safer Sex Practices for All Genders
More information available here

June 3-5, 2016 - Atlanta, Georgia
Atlanta Poly Weekend, hosted by Relationship Equality Foundation
Attending and possibly presenting
More information available here

October 2016 - Atlanta, Georgia
PeachState Conference, hosted by Transgender Health Education Alliance
Attending and possibly presenting
More information available here

These events happen each and every month.

LGBTQAI and Poly Meetup, hosted by Atlanta Poly Inc
1st Sunday of each month
Rotating location, check Atlanta Poly meetup group for details

Polyamory Support Group, hosted by Atlanta Poly Inc
2nd and 4th Mondays of each month
Wellspring Counseling Center
More information available here

Atlanta Poly (Discussion) Meetup, hosted by Atlanta Poly Inc
2nd Saturday of each month
DaVinci's Pizza, Decatur
More information available here

East Atlanta Poly Meetup, hosted by Atlanta Poly Inc
3rd Saturday of each month
Green Ginger Asian Fusion, Decatur
More information available here

​The number one advice people tend to have for others beginning relationships or struggling in a relationship is Communicate. But what does that really mean? I can’t count how many times I’ve heard struggling couples* say, “but we talk about everything, all the time!” when what they really mean is, “we talk about what to have for dinner, how to discipline the kids, what’s the latest on the news,” etc.

This persistent lack of communication in modern relationships is not the couple’s fault. Ever since TV and advertising created the image of a dream relationship, we have rarely learned how to communicate fully, openly, and effectively in our relationships. We pursue a 2D view of perfectionism that the marketing machine has sold to us, denying our true desires and the desires of our partners.

The divorce rate remains steady at around 50% of all marriages, with the likelihood of divorce increasing with 2nd and 3rd marriages. Fewer couples are getting married in the first place, instead opting for a relationship that’s easy to leave when times get tough. And yet, so many of us still dream of a life-long connection with passion, companionship, and love. The critical factor in a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship is Communication. Honest, Appropriate, Respectful, and Direct (HARD) Communication. 

Honest communication means being both honest with your partner(s) and honest with yourself. Taking the time to reflect and get in touch with your own thoughts, feelings, biases in order to communicate them with the people in your life. It means looking at, touching, feeling the pain, anger, sadness, joy, fear, pleasure, disgust that we all experience from time to time. 

Appropriate communication means management of emotional expression depending on the recipient and the environment. Throwing a temper tantrum, yelling and throwing buttered rolls at the family Thanksgiving dinner table isn’t appropriate communication. Appropriate communication is stating with firmness that you will not engage in a derisive conversation about Aunt Sally’s new husband and if it continues you will opt to excuse yourself (and then of course following through and maintaining that boundary if the conversation continues.).

Respectful communication means having compassion for everyone’s feelings and experiences. Invalidating, dismissing, or challenging a person’s feelings or interpretation of an event reduces their validity as a living, breathing person with their own experiences. Respectful communication is honoring your own feelings and experiences as valid because you feel them and lived through them. Invalidation is very sneaky and well integrated in to our culturally accepted methods of communication, leaving the person being invalidated feeling less worthy and unacceptable. Invalidation of self and others creates distance, destroys connection, and snuffs out passion. Healthy relationships honor and recognize each person’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences as valid and understandable. 

Direct communication means saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Many of us, especially people socialized as women, have learned to “beat around the bush” in holding our boundaries, rejecting others, or asking for what we want. Our voices, our desires, have been discouraged and invalidated so much that we often feel that communicating directly about our truth is dangerous. Instead of directly telling the guy flirting with us at the bar that we are not interested, we tell him maybe next time, leaving the door open for him to pursue you again, with more pressure, next week. Instead of telling our partner that we’d really love to have a special date night to connect physically, sexually, we feel personally rejected when she’s asleep on the couch as we emerge from the bathroom donned in fine french lingerie. 

Yes, communication is hard. But HARD Communication is critical to the health and happiness of everyone involved in your relationships. Learning new ways of feeling, responding, reacting, and communicating with each other takes time so be patient with each other. A relationship counselor can help you remain honest, appropriate, respectful, and direct, whether your relationship is new, struggling, thriving, or expanding. 

*Relationship counseling traditionally addresses couples, but these concepts apply to relationships of all kinds, including polyamorous models, friend networks, extended families, etc. 

Many transgender people struggle with dysphoria, body dysphoria in particular. Body dysphoria means the body they have doesn’t match what they envision for themselves.

Being a romantic partner to a transgender person means you’re likely present for all of their experiences: happy, sad, angry, and dysphoric. Sexual partners of transgender people have a huge opportunity to effect their lover’s gender and body dysphoria. Many transgender person’s body dysphoria includes, and may even focus on, their genitals. Sexual intimacy puts you in direct contact with the part of their body that likely causes them the most discomfort. What you say, how you react, how you approach this intimate space and time has a huge impact on how your transgender partner will feel about their body. 

I was inspired to write about my experience as a partner to a transgender person after reading Melissa A. Fabello’s How to Reassure Your Partner That They’re Hot When They Hate Their Body. She wrote about the heterosexual cisgender narrative of a woman who’s body issues revolve around weight or shape, but I think her advice applies for partners of transgender people as well. 

As a loving and supportive partner, I want my partner to know they are lovable and desirable, body, mind, heart, and soul. 

For partners just beginning the transgender journey with your lover, changing how you relate to their body can take time. Be patient with yourself and your partner. It will be much easier if you both engage your creativity and explore new fun ways of relating to each other.


Relationship counseling can help couples wanting to Live and Love Authentically explore what's sexy for them in a safe, comfortable space.

Any one who knows me personally knows that my romantic partner inspired my work with transgender people, especially adolescents, because of the experience he has dealt with. My love for him inspires me to choose love towards all transgender people because unfortunately, the world contains more hate than love for them. This attitude inspired a colleague of mine, Dr. Tammy Nelson (www.drtammynelson.com) who is a prominent Imago couples therapist, and she featured an interview with me in an article on The Huffington Post: 'I Am Cait': Loving Someone Who Is Transgender.  The following quotes are taken from her article.


Anna said that living in the South, especially, it is difficult to find open-minded professionals who are open-minded and competent. She said the most difficult part is watching her partner go through the "...the intrinsic bias of a medical field, government, and social climate that doesn't understand or accept transgenderism."

"As a counselor, I've seen clients who have lost everything -- job, home, parents, spouse, children, friends -- who had seemingly successful lives and lost it all in hopes of being able to one day live their truth, to be accepted by society for who they are mentally, emotionally, spiritually."

Finally, Anna had this to say when I asked her what she wanted people to know about being a partner to a transgender person.

"I want people to know that being transgender is absolutely never a choice. The pain someone must feel trying to wear a persona that isn't authentic to their soul is more painful than all the hate, discrimination and rejection in the world because they face losing everything and everyone in order to live their truth. The suicide rate among transgender people is at least 40 percent. One in 12 transgender people will be murdered. One in 8 transgender women of color will be murdered. 80 percent of trans students feel unsafe at school because of their gender expression." (source: www.transstudent.org/transvisibility)

For anyone struggling with these issues, this advice is for people who may be going through what Cait or Anna or her partner are facing every day. If you know or love someone who is trans, please pass this on.

"Find a community of other transgender and gender non-conforming people who can share the burden and provide a safe, understanding space to express the anguish, anger, despair. Hold those who accept you fully and unconditionally in your true identity close as you break ties with those who refuse to love you as the person you truly are."

"Communicate openly and have patience for those who truly wish to support and honor you in your journey. For partners of transgender people beginning or continuing transition, keep your mind open and your heart filled with love. Physical compatibilities are pretty easy to contend with as long as love and respect continues."

Read the full article by Dr. Tammy Nelson on The Huffington Post

Friday June 26, 2015 is a historic day in American History. Just as San Francisco and New York City are beginning their LGBTQ Pride celebrations, The Supreme Court of The United States of America ruled that state marriage bans are unconstitutional and everyone has a right to marry the person they love, regardless of gender. 

For decades, the language associated with the LBG fight for equal rights has transformed from Gay Marriage and Same-Sex Marriage to Marriage Equality. Many are still using the term “same-sex marriage” but I’d like to see everyone strike that language from your vocabulary. Why? Let me explain…

Transgender and gender-queer people have been excluded from the freedom to marry the person they love simply because their gender doesn’t match their legal documents. Heterosexual couples were denied the right to marry simply because our federal government does not yet have a process for declaring gender, especially a gender outside the gender binary. The terms “Gay Marriage” and “Same-Sex Marriage” suggest a binary gender construct - Men with Men and Women with Women. It erases the multitude of combinations between biology, psychology, and spirituality that make up Gender. 

If you want to be inclusive and welcoming to all persons, regardless of gender, when discussing this monumental decision, please choose to use “Marriage Equality” because that’s really what this decision means. Everyone, regardless of sex or gender can marry and have the right to the privileges and protections granted to married couples in America.

Thankfully many of our nation’s leaders understand the far reaching impact of this decision:

“No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were.” – Kennedy, writing for the majority

“Marriage responds to the universal fear that a lonely person might call out only to find no one there. It offers the hope of companionship and understanding and assurance that while both still live there will be someone to care for the other.” – Kennedy, writing for the majority

"There's so much more work to be done to extend the full promise of America to every American. But today, we can say in no uncertain terms that we've made our union a little more perfect." — President Barack Obama.

"This decision recognizes the fundamental truth that our love is all equal. Today is a great day for America. #LoveWins" — Tweet from first lady Michelle Obama.

"So while we celebrate the progress won today, we must stand firm in our conviction to keep moving forward. For too many LGBT Americans who are subjected to discriminatory laws, true equality is still just out of reach." — Former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, Democratic presidential contender.

"This decision is about creating a future where loving, committed families are able to live with dignity. This is about freedom. This is about love. This is transformative, not only for LGBT families, but for America." — House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D.-Calif.

"Today's ruling strikes a blow to inequality and discrimination throughout the nation, and that's good for Americans' mental health." — Renee Binder, president of the American Psychiatric Association, which in 1973 removed homosexuality from its list of mental disorders.


The tide is turning for LGBTQ persons in this nation, in our culture. I look forward to the day when no one has to fear being assaulted, discriminated, degraded, or discarded because of who they are or who they love. I fear for the LGBTQ youth and adults who take this opportunity to live and love authentically and find themselves facing abandonment from their friends and family, discrimination from their jobs and housing, and assault from strangers wherever they go. June 26th, 2015 is a monumental day in American History, but the fight for equal rights and protection under the law and cultural acceptance continues. 

Here in Georgia, Summer has officially arrived. The farmer’s markets are brimming with fresh produce from nearby fields, the earliest crops of the season. Temperatures are climbing steadily into the 80s every day. Afternoon showers nourish thirsty living beings. Summer is the season of abundance. Mother Nature is Thriving in all of her glory. 

We have survived the cold, dreary winter. The first budding flowers and fresh breezes of spring delight our senses, waking us from spiritual hibernation. Now the warmth of summer brings a burst of nourishment for the soul. 

This cycle of seasons brings to mind a question I often ask of friends and clients who are struggling to find inner peace and happiness: Are you Surviving or Thriving? 

We have just one life to live. Do you want to spend it trudging through rush hour traffic, fumbling away at a job you dislike, fighting the crowds to grab dinner before settling onto the couch for a long evening of mind-numbing reality TV (or video games) before passing out in the wee hours of the morning just to get up and do it all over again? Or… Would you rather enjoy every moment of your life, spending time with the people and activities that bring you joy? 

Take a moment to reflect on of your life over the past month. 

Is your life sapping your motivation?
Is your life burdened by the needs of others?
Is your life dull and repetitive?

or…

Is your life nourishing to your heart and soul?
Is your life brimming with growth, mental and emotional?
Is your life vibrant with personal meaning?

Survival is meeting the bare necessities to keep your heart beating, your lungs breathing, your bank account in the black. 
Thriving is engaging with every moment, driven by passion and intrigue.

Are you ready to thrive?