Yesterday will likely go down in history books because America elected Donald Trump as our next President. Normally I don't think it's appropriate to talk politics with my clients, or even potential clients (that's you dear reader). Today it's not about politics. It's about hate. And fear. And Love.

I woke up this morning to my friends, family, colleagues, and communities fearful for their lives, hearts, and souls. I felt a sense of dread in the pit of my heart that I haven't felt ever before. I imagine this is exactly what many people of color, Muslim, and openly transgender/queer people feel daily as they walk in the world, in communities that hate them with such violent passion. I look around me in a traditionally conservative part of town and wonder how many of my neighbors voted for a man who not only condones but brags about perpetuating sexual assault. 

Meeting with my colleagues at Wellspring Counseling Center this morning, I'm reminded that we have kind, loving, and supportive communities who will shelter and protect our hearts and souls. As we wait in worry to see how this election will affect the future of America, I vow to hold space for the traumatized, the fearful, the desperate, the hurting. I will do my part to heal hearts and provide rest for weary souls who fight daily for everyone's right to live and love authentically and in power.

If you are reeling from the results of this election, please take good care of yourself. Reach out to your support network, seek the support and kindness available to you. Practice gratitude for all the love, peace, and beauty in your world for we attract more of what we are grateful for. We are inviting all of our clients at Wellspring to leave an anonymous note of love for all the hearts who pass through our office. If you need to feel unconditional love and acceptance, come visit us. 

Last month (October 6th) I was invited to guest host on my friend and colleague Courtney Geter's podcast, Let's Talk Sex. In this episode she interviews researcher, educator, and coach Dr. Eli Sheff about polyamory and her work with polyamorous adults and families. It was a lot of fun and I'm honored to be included. I believe I represented the Atlanta Poly community well. 


​​Please give it a listen and share with anyone in your life who is curious about polyamorous relationships.

Here's the episode description: Courtney talks with expert witness, researcher, author, and relationship coach, Dr. Eli Sheff about the polyamory lifestyle including managing dating and families. Also joining, is guest host Anna Baxter, LAPC and President of Atlanta Poly Meetup. Tune in to this live audience show to learn about poly AND hear questions and answers from our audience! To find out more about Dr. Sheff visit elisabethsheff.com, and to find out more about Anna and Atlanta Poly Meetup, visit www.meetup.com/Atlanta-Polyamory

I have a couple busy months ahead of me and I'd like to share the awesome events I'll be attending (and hosting) in the remainder of 2016. 

September 24, 2016: Alternative Relationship Education Workshop Event

I will be joining a team of local mental health professionals and the Relationship Equality Foundation to present a special CEU workshop designed to educate therapists, counselors, and others who seek to learn about sexual, gender and relational diversity – specifically alternative relationship structures.

Despite efforts to maintain non­judgmental attitudes, most mental health professionals know so little about this area that their responses to clients who “come out” to them can range from off­putting surprise to a disapproval that has anecdotally even done damage to clients, and created barriers to future treatment. We hope to prevent these experiences by educating mental health professionals in the areas of sexual, gender and relational diversity – specifically alternative relationship structures, considerations of relational attraction, sexual identity, and gender expression. Presenters have been selected from local professionals with experience in treating these populations, many with involvement and national exposure in the development of mental health standards in this area.

This workshop will provide six CEUs just in time for license renewal deadline. There will be a lunch break in the middle of the day, and a box lunch available for purchase during registration.

Please join us September 24th and share with any friends or colleagues who may be interested! For more information and to register, please visit arewe.relationshipequalityfoundation.org

October 13-15, 2016: Sex Down South

This year I will be attending Sex Down South for the first time! Last year was their first year and I heard lots of rave reviews so I'm looking forward to attending this year. I did not submit any class proposals because I want to enjoy learning and connecting with other educator and advocates of sex-positivity and inclusion. 

From the Sex Down South website:

"​Sex Down South was born out of a desire to create a safe space in the Southeast where folks could explore sex and sexuality.  Our focus is intentionally broad, catering to a diverse range of people: from those who are curious but not quite committed, to those who have been around the block…and then some! Our mission is to create a sex-positive space for people of all walks of life to come together, explore, connect, and share knowledge and skills. It’s your exploration destination for all things sex and erotic."

"Our goal is to foster learning, inspiration, and wonder – and provoke conversations that matter. From sex education and sexual health, to healthy communication and relationship skills; from alternative lifestyles such as kink and polyamory, to sex and spirituality and navigating sexual trauma."

November 3-6, 2016: THEA's PeachState Conference

Last year's inaugural PeachState conference was my first experience presenting at a community event and I'm glad to be back! I will be presenting a couple classes on transgender experience (specifics topics currently unknown). 

THEA's PeachState conference is a health and education conference for Transgender, Gender Diverse, and Gender Non-Conforming adults. 

November 11, 2016: Ethical Social Media Marketing for Therapists

The LGBTQ Therapist Resource network and Foundations Atlanta are co-hosting a 3-hour CEU event and they have invited me to present the basics and best practices of Ethical Social Media Marketing for therapists. In case you didn't know, before I went full-time as a counselor with Wellspring Counseling Center, I was a social media marketing manager for leading sex and relationship therapists. This presentation will cover social media and internet marketing how-tos from the most basic level, as well as the ethical implications and guidelines of having an online presence as a clinician.

Members of the LGBTQ Therapist Resource Network save $15 on registration for this class.

Register for this event on eventbrite.com

You can't change what's going on around you until you start changing what is going on within you.

People seek counseling or therapy because they're wanting to change something in their life, or themselves. My job as a counselor is to support them and sometimes guide them through that change because it can be uncomfortable, even terrifying. I do that through applying psychology, especially empirically supported techniques that have shown to increase desirable outcomes. 

I recently listened to an NPR TED Radio Hour podcast on the topic of change called Nudge about how small efforts can encourage or cause a large degree of change in a person's perspective and behaviors. The first segment of the podcast introduces the concept of Mindfulness and how new-comers often struggle with this new approach. Judson Brewer, a psychiatrist, encourages patients struggling with addiction to embrace curiosity and awareness rather than abstinence. He describes how his patients drop into their sensations and become disenchanted with their addictions. As a result they are much less likely to relapse. Brewer's full TED Talk is worth a watch.

I believe mindfulness, aka curiosity, is a critical aspect in the process of change because it encourages us to step out of our fear, anger, and learned behavior patterns. Instead we let go and make choices of how to respond, react, and interact with others based on our values rather than our irrational emotions. 

​In the second segment of the Nudge podcast, Carol Dweck, psychologist and author of Mindset, focuses on how language can drastically change how children and adults feel and behave. In her TED Talk she introduces the concept of Growth mindset vs. Fixed mindset. People with a growth mindset understand viscerally that their abilities can be developed, they are progressing and improving. People with a fixed mindset understand that their talents and abilities are fixed, never capable of improving. Carol says, "Everything sends a message. Just a few different words, sometimes just one word, conveys a whole different world of meaning." Your mindset is one way of how you see yourself. Carol asks us to consider, "Am I the fixed creature that has to look good all the time and validate myself or am I this dynamic, growing person who has this infinite undetermined future that I can work toward? Does this struggle mean I'm dumb or does it mean I'm growing my brain, I'm making those neural connections stronger and getting smarter. They're two different worlds and we get to choose which we get to inhabit."

I really appreciate that Carol emphasizes that our mindset is a choice we make. I believe that we have an infinite number of choices available to us each day and how we frame each of those choices substantially impacts how much we struggle or thrive. 

If you're wanting to change something in your life or within you, start with listening to the podcast episode below. When you're ready to begin, schedule an appointment.

For all the transgender and gender non-conforming youth and their families...

I will be participating and presenting at the Transgender Heath and Education Alliance's Family Symposium in May. Registration is only $30 for adults, $5 for children - a real steal for a day and a half of activities and education for trans youth and their families. I'm honored to be invited to connect with this population and discuss my passions: non-binary genders and sexuality. Here's what I'll be doing:

Non-Binary: Fact or Fallacy?
Increasingly more people, especially youth, are coming out and identifying as non-binary genders. I will discuss what the difference between binary and non-binary is and whether it's real or fiction. Most importantly, I will show parents, loved ones, friends, and peers how you can help non-binary people feel more accepted and safe in a binary world. 


Gender Identity and Sexuality
I will provide an in-depth presentation of the development of sexuality, it's relation to gender identity, and advice for transgender people desiring a healthy, vibrant sex life of any sexual orientation.


Trans Couples Panel
I will moderate while a diverse group of couples discuss how their experience being transgender (or loving someone who is transgender) has impacted their relationships and their lives. If you're interested in being on the panel - contact me!


Beyond The Love Glove: Safer Sex Practices for All Genders
Safer sex goes way beyond pregnancy and condoms. Learn all the in’s, out’s and why’s of safer sex for all genders and orientations.

Please put this event on your calendar and Register Now!

Last week I had the honor of presenting at GEMS, a national conference for educational consultants, mental health residential programs and mental health professionals, like myself, about the care and treatment of transgender children and adolescents. This blog is a collection of my thoughts, impressions, lessons learned from the experience and a list of resources I gained from the experience that I want to share with you. 

The opening keynote was Ryan Sallans, author of Second Son and consultant/educator about transgender issues. His opening keynote shared a typical narrative for a binary Transgender person aged 30+. I’m glad they opened the event with a personal story, including the pain, oppression, rejection that many transgender people face in the world, in their families.

AnnaLisa Derenthal, a colleague who works with me at Wellspring Counselor Center, and I prepared a presentation on the possible connection between neurodiversity, trauma, and gender diversity. Apparently it was one of the more highly anticipated presentations of the symposium. Approximately 100 people attended our presentation, eager to hear more about the possible connection between conditions like ADHD, Autism, PTSD, and Gender Dysphoria. We introduced the concept of Neurodiversity and discussed how the movement encourages acceptance of people’s strengths and deficits. Then we dug into the brain structures affected by conditions such as traumatic experience, ADHD, Autism, Asperger’s and then we compared those to brain dimorphism studies indicating differences in transgender people’s brains. 

The most interesting part of our presentation was sharing the statistics from our survey of our local transgender community. In 101 respondents, we found that 61% have experienced trauma, 29% have been diagnosed with ADHD, and 10% have been diagnosed with an Autism spectrum disorder. The most interesting statistic we found is 25% of youth (ages 9-25) have been diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder, and 22% of youth have been diagnosed with Aspergers in particular. These numbers appear to support the findings of a study published December 2015 where researchers found 23% of the youth presenting at their gender clinic in Boston had indicators of Aspergers.

The message contained within our presentation was perhaps instead of pathologizing people with neurologically different bodies, we could accept them and their differences. We should embrace their strengths and welcome them to contribute in meaningful ways to our society. Perhaps, our culture is pathologically damaged, rather than them.

The energy in the room nearing the end of our presentation was really awkward. There were very few questions, and people seemed either dazed and confused or sleepy. I wasn’t sure if our message came through clearly or if the presentation was coherent (I was very nervous and kept tripping over my words). My supervisor was walking through the room afterwards and happened to overhear some discussions amongst audience afterwards. He found that many of the clinicians have been working from the traditional medical model, resistant to the idea of embracing the differences in people with ADHD and Autism. They came to this event seeking treatment models, a fix for their patients with ADHD, Autism, and Gender Dysphoria. That we did not provide. We challenged some fellow clinicians biases that day, and possibly changed the way a few of them approach their work with transgender and neuro-atypical people. 

Just before our presentation, Dr. Ehrensaft, Director of Mental Health and founding member of the Child and Adolescent Gender Center in San Francisco covered the affirmative model of understanding and treatment that her team uses with adolescents in their clinic. She introduced the concept of gender web as an alternative to the gender spectrum. The gender web is based on three components of gender: biological, psychological, and cultural. It also encompasses the fact that gender can shift, and be reformed over a life time. Dr. Ehrenhaft’s approach beautifully embraces gender diversity, encourages children to explore their gender to it’s fullest extent. Her approach really resonated for me and I was very pleased that her keynote presentation was scheduled immediately before ours so I could connect her acceptance approach to ours. Dr. Ehrenhaft’s gender web concept is explained in full detail in her book, Gender Born, Gender Made and The Gender Creative Child, currently available for pre-order. 

Friday morning Dr. Rosenthal, Medical Director and founding member of the Child and Adolescent Gender Center in San Francisco, closed the conference with a powerful medical examination of gender in biology. He referred back multiple times to information I had highlighted in our presentation the day before, speaking to me directly in the audience. He also prepared the audience for my colleagues Tom and Melissa’s discussion about gender diversity in nature. It was very exciting and validating to be both referenced and respected by a leading physician who has been supporting transgender youth for many more years than myself.

The final breakout sessions of the conference included opportunities to process what everyone had learned over those three days. This was Tom and Melissa's opportunity to shine with their down to earth discussion of gender diversity in nature. They really drove home the idea that our cultural understanding of gender has been physically and mentally damaging to a lot of people over the past couple centuries. 

The biggest lesson I brought home from GEMS is that it’s time for change. More children are discovering that their gender identity and expression doesn’t fit neatly within the binary model traditionally enforced in our culture. The experience of being perceived as “broken” just for being different than the “norm” creates crippling mental and physical pain for many children. The mental health system is woefully behind in their understanding and acceptance of gender issues. Far too many mental health clinicians, especially in-patient programs, are not prepared to provide a healthy environment for transgender and gender diverse kids to heal and thrive. 

I’m proud to be a mental health provider who provides affirmative care for transgender youth, and educating other providers on the importance of acceptance and understanding. 

Every session of the symposium was video taped. When the recordings are available, I’ll post links here. 

I have a busy year planned and I thought it might be helpful for my clients and potential clients to know what events I'll attending/hosting in case they want to see me outside the office.

January 27-29, 2016 - Ashville, North Carolina
Gender Education DeMystification Symposium, hosted by Trails Carolina
Presenting What's the Connection between Neurodiversity/Trauma and Gender Diversity?
Presented the Genderbread Person concept of gender identity, expression and sexual orientation during colleague's presentation on the myth of the gender binary

February 4-7, 2016 - Atlanta, Georgia
InfinityCon
Presenting Beyond the Love Glove: Safer Sex Practices for All Genders
Presenting Doin' It Solo: Solo Polyamory in a Couplecentric World
Moderating LGBTQAI and Poly panel
More information available here

March 12, 2016 - Atlanta, Georgia
Alternative Relationship Education Workshop Event, hosted by the Relationship Equality Foundation
A one-day workshop designed to educate therapists, counselors, and others who seek to learn about diverse relationship structures and techniques to serve clients with varied lovestyles.
Presenting Check Your Biases, ethics and practical applications in working with clients in alternative relationship styles
More information available here

March 18-20, 2016 - Atlanta, Georgia
Leather Leadership Conference
Attending to gain more knowledge about providing services and education for local BDSM, Poly and Transgender communities.
More information available here

March 26, 2016 - Atlanta, Georgia
Interpersonal Communication, hosted by Atlanta Poly Inc
Co-teaching workshop on interpersonal communication skills for local polyamory community
More information available here

May 5-8, 2016 - Atlanta, Georgia
Frolicon
Presenting Trans Genital Torture
Presenting/Moderating Queer and Poly panel
More information available here

May 28-29, 2016 - Atlanta, Georgia
Family Symposium, hosted by Transgender Health Education Alliance
Presenting Sexuality and Safer Sex Practices for All Genders
More information available here

June 3-5, 2016 - Atlanta, Georgia
Atlanta Poly Weekend, hosted by Relationship Equality Foundation
Attending and possibly presenting
More information available here

October 2016 - Atlanta, Georgia
PeachState Conference, hosted by Transgender Health Education Alliance
Attending and possibly presenting
More information available here

These events happen each and every month.

LGBTQAI and Poly Meetup, hosted by Atlanta Poly Inc
1st Sunday of each month
Rotating location, check Atlanta Poly meetup group for details

Polyamory Support Group, hosted by Atlanta Poly Inc
2nd and 4th Mondays of each month
Wellspring Counseling Center
More information available here

Atlanta Poly (Discussion) Meetup, hosted by Atlanta Poly Inc
2nd Saturday of each month
DaVinci's Pizza, Decatur
More information available here

East Atlanta Poly Meetup, hosted by Atlanta Poly Inc
3rd Saturday of each month
Green Ginger Asian Fusion, Decatur
More information available here

​The number one advice people tend to have for others beginning relationships or struggling in a relationship is Communicate. But what does that really mean? I can’t count how many times I’ve heard struggling couples* say, “but we talk about everything, all the time!” when what they really mean is, “we talk about what to have for dinner, how to discipline the kids, what’s the latest on the news,” etc.

This persistent lack of communication in modern relationships is not the couple’s fault. Ever since TV and advertising created the image of a dream relationship, we have rarely learned how to communicate fully, openly, and effectively in our relationships. We pursue a 2D view of perfectionism that the marketing machine has sold to us, denying our true desires and the desires of our partners.

The divorce rate remains steady at around 50% of all marriages, with the likelihood of divorce increasing with 2nd and 3rd marriages. Fewer couples are getting married in the first place, instead opting for a relationship that’s easy to leave when times get tough. And yet, so many of us still dream of a life-long connection with passion, companionship, and love. The critical factor in a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship is Communication. Honest, Appropriate, Respectful, and Direct (HARD) Communication. 

Honest communication means being both honest with your partner(s) and honest with yourself. Taking the time to reflect and get in touch with your own thoughts, feelings, biases in order to communicate them with the people in your life. It means looking at, touching, feeling the pain, anger, sadness, joy, fear, pleasure, disgust that we all experience from time to time. 

Appropriate communication means management of emotional expression depending on the recipient and the environment. Throwing a temper tantrum, yelling and throwing buttered rolls at the family Thanksgiving dinner table isn’t appropriate communication. Appropriate communication is stating with firmness that you will not engage in a derisive conversation about Aunt Sally’s new husband and if it continues you will opt to excuse yourself (and then of course following through and maintaining that boundary if the conversation continues.).

Respectful communication means having compassion for everyone’s feelings and experiences. Invalidating, dismissing, or challenging a person’s feelings or interpretation of an event reduces their validity as a living, breathing person with their own experiences. Respectful communication is honoring your own feelings and experiences as valid because you feel them and lived through them. Invalidation is very sneaky and well integrated in to our culturally accepted methods of communication, leaving the person being invalidated feeling less worthy and unacceptable. Invalidation of self and others creates distance, destroys connection, and snuffs out passion. Healthy relationships honor and recognize each person’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences as valid and understandable. 

Direct communication means saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Many of us, especially people socialized as women, have learned to “beat around the bush” in holding our boundaries, rejecting others, or asking for what we want. Our voices, our desires, have been discouraged and invalidated so much that we often feel that communicating directly about our truth is dangerous. Instead of directly telling the guy flirting with us at the bar that we are not interested, we tell him maybe next time, leaving the door open for him to pursue you again, with more pressure, next week. Instead of telling our partner that we’d really love to have a special date night to connect physically, sexually, we feel personally rejected when she’s asleep on the couch as we emerge from the bathroom donned in fine french lingerie. 

Yes, communication is hard. But HARD Communication is critical to the health and happiness of everyone involved in your relationships. Learning new ways of feeling, responding, reacting, and communicating with each other takes time so be patient with each other. A relationship counselor can help you remain honest, appropriate, respectful, and direct, whether your relationship is new, struggling, thriving, or expanding. 

*Relationship counseling traditionally addresses couples, but these concepts apply to relationships of all kinds, including polyamorous models, friend networks, extended families, etc.